Okay, I have to comment on someone's xanga because it has to quite possibly be the funniest and most refreshing xanga out there. Thank goodness for incredibly wonderful neighbors. Man... it's like reliving the U-High experience just reading! But I'm glad I'm no longer in high school... There's one part of my life I would not like to re-live. Although senior year wasn't too bad... Oddly enough, I'm going on vacation with someone I went to high school with HOWEVER! she is an AMAZING sister so the whole U-High thing, doesn't really matter much. It's always fun to talk about the vicious girls I graduated with too with her... (yeah yeah, I'm still that immature

I am so excited about tomorrow. I can't wait for the weekend. Ahh man... can't wait to watch the American Idol Christmas special. I can't wait for Christmas carols to be overplayed on the radio! I love Christmas. This year, it's going to have so much more meaning and make it that much more special. And New Year's... I hope someone chooses a fun hotel party!!

I am so fricking lazy. I should have packed my car today but I didn't. Oy... lugging all this stuff home is going to be umm... difficult. But I can't wait to see DYLAN! I hope he likes his gifts... hee hee...

I should go to sleep soon. At least my apartment is not as messy and I won't feel so bad leaving it. This entry is totally pointless but is it really worth it to always write something meaningful?

Okay, I'm going to get ready for bed because it's approaching that time.

blog later
me

All right, first things first. Thank you. Thank you to everyone.
* * *
I don't know where to begin for how incredibly thankful I am. Words don't seem to do justice so I'm not even going to try. Just know that I'm grateful and thankful, from the bottom of my heart.

I don't know how I'm going to contain myself this next week. I don't know what excites me more. Seeing him, or being in the city on my own. Gosh. The thought of it is simply thrilling. I know I've been on my own for the last few months, but there's something to say when you know you're totally alone and independent in a big city. It's like a rush, just walking around. You still know you're nobody but at the same time you are somebody. Crazy. I guess what is really exciting me is that I'm finally going to get some answers and begin the real healing process. Ha ha... now I get it... "waiting to exhale." Yup! totally have that feeling.

Sometimes I wonder if I've become numb but then I remind myself about Monday. Man... I can't wait for the next day that's like Monday. I guess I should be grateful too that I know what it's like to love.

All right, the TV is calling to me. Make fun all you want, but I'm making up for lost time. And I could be deep and "philosophical" as someone said, but I think I've said enough. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Thanks for being there for me.

The high today was 20 degrees. I didn't sleep through the night, I got yelled at last night for no real reason, and someone (*insert angry, annoyed, disappointed, frustrated face here) decided to tell me that whatever I mean to him, he's going to ignore it. But... do you know what? TODAY IS STILL A FREAKING FABULOUS day!

I'm in the best mood and I have been ever since about 2:40 PM. It's not just me. I really did it. I even impressed her. I'm so proud of myself.
I wish you could be too, but you're not. I know this just makes you feel better but you made me feel so small and worthless. Gosh! I can't believe I let it go as far as it did. But you know what? It doesn't matter because I did this all on my own, without your help or support.

She even said I was sounding philosophical and maybe I am, but who cares!? You know why!? Because she said it and confirmed it.

I'm feeling super fabulous right now. More pumped than ever before. Things are coming together. I knew HE wouldn't let me down. I knew he'd be there for me. I feel so ashamed for ever doubting him and questioning him. Gosh I feel like a complete a-- for it. But now I know. Thank you. I know you know how grateful I am, but thank you. Man, I'm crying just thinking about how happy I feel right now. It's the greatest feeling. I've only felt this way once before over the last few months, and I know now there's no way that will ever happen again. But this... right now... It's like the end of It's A Wonderful Life where George goes around shouting because he's so happy to be alive. Now I know what all the hoopla was about.

I can't stop smiling... it's been a great day.

So I did it. I probably just went and humiliated myself even more, but I've been meaning to do it. After all, what do I have to lose? I'm okay with it. I don't think he'll write back but at least I told him the whole truth now. Don't need to feel bad or wonder anymore. Maybe I'll start to find the answers I've been looking for... one can hope for that much right?

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm starting to think that there's nothing wrong with me but rather that I'm a new person. This is new, feeling like I'm in control and knowing what I want and how I feel. I'm not as scared anymore, at least, not so scared to say how I feel. I used to keep everything in and now I realize, what was the point? To make myself miserable? I'm hoping he understands... gosh I hope he does....

I think I've finally found my happiness. Honestly, I think I have. Crazy as that may sound, given the past few months, but I'm at that place where I can't ask for too much more. I know there are people who care about me and I know that my life means something. That's what I was searching for right? Purpose? Worth? And I've stopped blaming HIM and myself. Things just happen. That's how life is. And I know that something good has yet to come for me... they always say there's a light at the end of the tunnel right? I know something good is going to happen because I have faith. I do.

Did I mention I drove on the highway again today? Just goes to show that I'm growing up. Happily, I didn't hit any deer although I saw some people bringing home their day's work. yuck. I'd rather try to save life than take it away.

I keep wondering why it is that I can now love myself but other people don't. How do you stop loving someone? How is that even possible? Do people fall out of love? I mean, isn't it like an imprint on your heart when you learn to love someone else? How can you ever stop? You know, I should have listened to my heart to begin with. I shouldn't have cared about my pride because your dignity isn't worth anything if you don't know the lesson in humiliation. I just wish... I wish I could forgive myself for all the mistakes I've made and for all the people that I've hurt.

Wow. Thanksgiving is this week. I know what I'm thankful for. I'm happy to be here, I really am. Someone told me I needed to start looking inside and figuring out what upsets me and hurts me. Now, I think I finally know. Hopefully 2004 will be different.

I should go to bed soon. The last two nights haven't been as easy as I wish they'd be. I still think I'm coming down with something too... ugh... the mornings have been rough.

I guess now, I just sit and wait... as usual. *smile* Getting used to it. Maybe that's why we don't know our futures, so we can enjoy the surprises life brings us. I sound like a self-help book gone wrong. ha ha! Gosh, it feels good to smile and laugh again. It feels good to be me.

I think I've blogged enough. If you're reading this (and I doubt that you are), I hope you understand. I really hope you do.

blog later.
Katherine