i take back everything i wrote before.

suddenly, moving to the west coast or east coast after graduation doesn't seem like a bad idea after all. in fact, i have more motivation now to get into my dream schools so i can tell two people to "shove it."

i can't help but wonder why this constantly happens to me. i feel like i'm always fighting to be happy. honestly, it shouldn't be this hard. right? i mean, really. if people truly care about you, then they'll want the best for you and they will WANT to see you happy. at least, that's what i always thought. but i'm beginning to realize (much to my dismay) that it doesn't work that way.

i hate this feeling. i hate it so much. now i remember why i threw myself into work after i moved back to chicago. and why i've continued to put all my attention/energy in advancing my career. because i swear the running theme of my life over the last few years is that the people you think you can trust, the people who you thought had your back and who you thought understood you - they don't. and in fact, they have their own agendas that you're just supposed to follow and that should be enough to make you happy. nevermind how you feel - it's all about them.

i will never forget sitting alone, in my apartment and vowing to myself that i will NEVER let someone else's intentions/beliefs/feelings come before my own. honestly, if i've learned anything it's that the only person i can count on to look out for me is myself.

ok. so i'm calmer now. unfortunately (or fortunately?) i now know how to manipulate my parents. i realize that's a horrible thing to say but honestly, the sheer amount of crap i put up with in comparison to my siblings is ridiculous. and i figure if they expect me to deal with so much, i must get something in return. i realize one may argue that my schooling and their financial support is enough but seriously, it's ridiculous what they have me/ask me to do sometimes. not to mention, my mother's stupid line of thinking.

please explain to me the rationale behind telling me that it's more important for me to find a good husband who can take care of me instead of focusing my efforts on advancing my career. someone please explain this to me.

in any case, my vacation is set and i'm looking forward to it. i, however, cannot say the same about this stupid test.

seriously, i don't remember the PCAT or MCAT being this annoying. nor do i remember this freaked out about college or pharmacy school applications. is b-school going to be this nerve wrecking? i seriously hope not.

all right, enough procrastination on my part. i'm off to attempt my first practice test. so far i've only done 0.333 of a test.

wish me luck.

blog later.
me.