So I did it. I probably just went and humiliated myself even more, but I've been meaning to do it. After all, what do I have to lose? I'm okay with it. I don't think he'll write back but at least I told him the whole truth now. Don't need to feel bad or wonder anymore. Maybe I'll start to find the answers I've been looking for... one can hope for that much right?

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm starting to think that there's nothing wrong with me but rather that I'm a new person. This is new, feeling like I'm in control and knowing what I want and how I feel. I'm not as scared anymore, at least, not so scared to say how I feel. I used to keep everything in and now I realize, what was the point? To make myself miserable? I'm hoping he understands... gosh I hope he does....

I think I've finally found my happiness. Honestly, I think I have. Crazy as that may sound, given the past few months, but I'm at that place where I can't ask for too much more. I know there are people who care about me and I know that my life means something. That's what I was searching for right? Purpose? Worth? And I've stopped blaming HIM and myself. Things just happen. That's how life is. And I know that something good has yet to come for me... they always say there's a light at the end of the tunnel right? I know something good is going to happen because I have faith. I do.

Did I mention I drove on the highway again today? Just goes to show that I'm growing up. Happily, I didn't hit any deer although I saw some people bringing home their day's work. yuck. I'd rather try to save life than take it away.

I keep wondering why it is that I can now love myself but other people don't. How do you stop loving someone? How is that even possible? Do people fall out of love? I mean, isn't it like an imprint on your heart when you learn to love someone else? How can you ever stop? You know, I should have listened to my heart to begin with. I shouldn't have cared about my pride because your dignity isn't worth anything if you don't know the lesson in humiliation. I just wish... I wish I could forgive myself for all the mistakes I've made and for all the people that I've hurt.

Wow. Thanksgiving is this week. I know what I'm thankful for. I'm happy to be here, I really am. Someone told me I needed to start looking inside and figuring out what upsets me and hurts me. Now, I think I finally know. Hopefully 2004 will be different.

I should go to bed soon. The last two nights haven't been as easy as I wish they'd be. I still think I'm coming down with something too... ugh... the mornings have been rough.

I guess now, I just sit and wait... as usual. *smile* Getting used to it. Maybe that's why we don't know our futures, so we can enjoy the surprises life brings us. I sound like a self-help book gone wrong. ha ha! Gosh, it feels good to smile and laugh again. It feels good to be me.

I think I've blogged enough. If you're reading this (and I doubt that you are), I hope you understand. I really hope you do.

blog later.
Katherine