i take back everything i wrote before.

suddenly, moving to the west coast or east coast after graduation doesn't seem like a bad idea after all. in fact, i have more motivation now to get into my dream schools so i can tell two people to "shove it."

i can't help but wonder why this constantly happens to me. i feel like i'm always fighting to be happy. honestly, it shouldn't be this hard. right? i mean, really. if people truly care about you, then they'll want the best for you and they will WANT to see you happy. at least, that's what i always thought. but i'm beginning to realize (much to my dismay) that it doesn't work that way.

i hate this feeling. i hate it so much. now i remember why i threw myself into work after i moved back to chicago. and why i've continued to put all my attention/energy in advancing my career. because i swear the running theme of my life over the last few years is that the people you think you can trust, the people who you thought had your back and who you thought understood you - they don't. and in fact, they have their own agendas that you're just supposed to follow and that should be enough to make you happy. nevermind how you feel - it's all about them.

i will never forget sitting alone, in my apartment and vowing to myself that i will NEVER let someone else's intentions/beliefs/feelings come before my own. honestly, if i've learned anything it's that the only person i can count on to look out for me is myself.