I'm tired. I don't know why I'm posting instead of watching DVDs in bed (my new favorite pasttime.) Maybe because I need to vent/gripe/relieve myself of all these things running through my head lately.

First, I hate stress. I hate what exhaustion and stress do to me. I hate that I can't control it but now, since I'm so tired of worrying about myself, I'm just going to let it be. I still hate stress though. Don't ask me what I'm stressed about because I wouldn't be able to tell you.

Second, I cannot write this next essay if my life depended on it. Usually I'm so great at the bs but this one...I don't know why the bs isn't flowing. *sigh* I can't imagine life without DG but then at the same time, I wish there was no DG. I don't even know why I'm applying for this fellowship except for the fact that I think I have a decent shot at it. Come on... I should be commended for attempting the impossible here in Madison right?

Third, I think I've reached my great loves limit. That and I don't know if it's a good idea for me to watch Gilmore Girls this Tuesday. I don't know how I feel about watching certain storylines from my life being played out on the TV. *sigh* Oh well, what's done is done and there's nothing I can do about it now.

Fourth, I am messed up. I admit it now. I think he was right. I can't explain it. It's not just guilt, it's not a fantasy, it's something else. I don't know if it's "love" but what else could it be? Yesterday night, someone called me to tell me that a certain person was single again and I was so disappointed. I don't know, but I guess I was hoping it would be news about a different person. What is wrong with me? Yes folks, I've reached a new low. I am pathetic. This is pathetic.

This is why I'm pathetic. Theoretically, I have a pretty good chance of finding love and happiness with someone new, blah blah blah. Fresh start, moving beyond the past, everything would be peachy keen, right? Right. Because I'm 25 (decently young), I'm not a heffer and I follow sports (mind you, I don't love sports, I follow sports because there is NOTHING else to do in Wisconsin) so I should have a shot at finding someone new. Why does this make me pathetic though? Because I think I'm hooked on the impossible. I'm so scared of finding out the way the story ends, what someone really thinks, but at the same time , I want to know. I don't know why I don't give up already because I know I have better chances of winning a Powerball jackpot than having this one dream come true. And it's a dream. It's been a re-occurring dream over the last 5 years. How sad is that!? And unfortunately, it's the best dream ever too. I love waking up from the dream and at the same time, I hate it. Ugh. I am pathetic. I cannot reiterate/stress this point enough.

Okay, now I'm sufficiently fatigued. Je suis tres stupide. I need a new hobby. oh! and job...

blog later.
me.