Two posts in one night!? Yeah, there's something wrong with me.

Actually, I just need to vent. I was doing some thinking in the shower (seriously, that's when and where I get all my serious thinking done) and I realized something. I can't think of a time when someone purposely did not tell me something because they wanted to "protect" me and I didn't get hurt. Seriously. What is the point of hiding things? You know you're doing something wrong by not telling the person and you know that if they ultimately find out, they'll be upset. So why put all the effort in hiding things? I can only think of a few instances where it would make sense but in the cases I'm thinking of, where I've been the one who was kept in the dark, more harm was done than good.

This makes me wonder what the person in my position is supposed to think and do. I mean, if you care about a person to not want to hurt them, why create circumstances where you know they will be hurt? Isn't there a boundary or a limit that you know you aren't supposed to cross because you know it's the gray zone where bad things can happen? Yet, people still take that risk and I just wonder why. Isn't it just easier to err on the side of caution? I try to and now I thinking that maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I'm not selfish enough or I haven't been selfish enough when it comes to these things. Maybe I should stick up for myself better because I mean, let's face it, I'm always the villian. I can't think of a time where I wasn't. There's always something to say about me, never the other person. Why!?!? What is it that I do? Am I really that horrible of a person? I don't think I am. I don't try to be. I think I'm pretty apologetic and sincere. Ugh...

It's times like right now where I wish I was smarter. Maybe I've been too trusting. Maybe I should have been more suspicious and wary. And then I get so frustrated... just thinking about things... it doesn't really matter if they're in the past. It still hurts. I'm convinced that pain like this... it never goes away. No matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you look to the present and focus on the now, deep down inside you still feel hurt. Humans are not very forgiving beings. And I'm starting to believe that there isn't a reason to be forgiving. I mean, we all have our limits right? I think I've reached mine many times. Heck! I think I could name specific dates and times where I was at my limit. Can't you?

I don't get it. I don't understand why I always give people second, third and fourth chances. Sometimes I think I would be a lot saner and a lot happier if I set a cut-off. A limit. Maybe that's what I'm lacking in my life--limits. I don't even set limits for myself and maybe that's my problem. Oh well... I guess I've just given myself something to think about.

blog later.
me